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[24 Apr 2007|06:05pm] |
this journal is temporarily offline, pending litigation over copy-right infringement.
im talking to you carlos mencia....
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(you fuckin heckler)
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| Another Kerry Ridgley interview, with her bootyness J-LO! |
[07 Jun 2004|09:13pm] |
J-lo: Excuse me?
Kerry Ridgley: Just a sec. (into cell phone)I dont care if they have DNA, Im pleading innocent, come up with some sort of self-defense arguement. Tell 'em I had an acid flashback and though he was an evil Oompa Loompa or some shit.
J-l: What?
KR: I said just a sec woman. (into cell phone) Hey look I gotta go, I got some hoochy momma to interview.
J-l: Excuse me, did you just call me a hoochy momma?
KR: Uh, no, I said Oooh Wee momma.
J-l: Whats that mean?
KR: Hey I ask the questions here. Im the interviewer.
J-l: Uh....
KR: Thats right, now....(looks at paper) Youre supposed to be J-lo. What is that some sort of rapper name?
J-l: Im not a rapper, Im a singer.
KR: And Im the queen of England.
J-l: I am! Im the highest selling latin artist of all time.
KR: I thought that was Menudo. But anyway....why am I doing my legally obligated contractual obligation interview with you?
J-l: Well, Im in the news again. I got married.
KR: Yeah well my cousin got married and was in the news, its called the wedding announcements. What makes your wedding so special?
J-l: Well, I married Marc Antony.
KR: How the hell did you marry him, I though he hooked up with Cleopatra like TWO THOUSAND FUCKIN YEARS AGO!?!?! What you buy his bones like that creepy ass Micheal Jackson did with the elephant man?
J-l: No, Marc, Antony is another grammy winning latin artist.
KR: A grammy? Shit...they must be desperate to give a mariachi band a grammy.
J-l: No, you fokin 'chollo, he a hunay.
KR: Did you just go all latin king on my ass?
J-l: Ahem, no....
KR: Besides, I though you were supposed to be marrying that tool that Kevin Smith takes pity on and puts him in his movies.....what his name....Matt Damon...
J-l: No, His name is Ben Affleck.
KR: Eh, why would he want to act, he owns an insurance company.
J-l: I know right.
KR: Dont agree with me, it makes me feel cheap. Anyway, marriage is bliss...so Ive heard, Im just waiting on my mail order bride to clear customs, I wish you luck.
J-l: Ill need it, this is my third marriage.
KR: Third fuckin marriage? This aint fuckin football...you dont punt on your fourth try. Most people learn from their mistakes and call it quits after thier first failure. You should have.
J-l: Well, he wanted me back.
KR: You mean you were together before? Married three times, went back to an old flame...this isint news, its a comic strip. You must have something everyone wants.
J-l: My sweet ass?
KR: Well I wouldnt call it sweet...Id call it...
J-l: Bodacious?
KR: No....
J-l: Bumpin?
KR: No....
J-l: Kickin?
KR: No....
J-l: Then what would you call it?
KR: A big fat ghetto ass.
J-l: Wha you say punta? I cut you mang!!!
KR: Well it is, I mean that ass is fuckin huge, if you werent some rich ass hoochy youd get laughed at.
J-l: I aint no hoochy cholo, Im all woman, and Im keepin it real 'yo. Im Jenny from the Block.
KR: Block of Crisco?
J-l: You fukin faggot, I grew up in Brooklyn...Im from the streets.
KR: Then those are the nicest fuckin cubic zirconia ive ever seen. Your pimp buy you those? I swear, you dont dress like youre from the block, maybe the street corner workin for Deelicious D, the happinest pimp in the five burroughs.
J-l: Thats it fuker, Im gonna cut yo honky chulo ass mang. (Yanks out switch blade and lunges)
KR: SECURITY!!!
J-l: I cut you mang!
KR: FUCK THAT!! SOMEONE CALL IMMIGRATION!!
J-l: LA IMMEGRA!! (runs for door followed by several of her enturage speed off in lowered hydro-outted El Camino.
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(2hecklers | you fuckin heckler)
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| Christianity part 1 |
[28 Oct 2003|10:25pm] |
Christians get on my nerves. I mean, how can you fuck up perfectly decent religion like that. Christians are like the shitty neighbor that brings the worlds spirital value down ya know....
I mean, how can you be such a hypocrite about your alleged faith and world view ya know? I mean ya dont see Bhuddists boozin up and beating the shit out of people do you? Ok im not talking about those e-tard ravers that are all bhuddah when they just plugged a tab ya know.
But ya know what i mean? Take this classic line from the Bible "judge not lest ye be judged." ok, great sentament, wonderfull words to live by. So, why always tell me im going to hell? Why tell me what Im doing is wrong? Just go to church on sunday alright and sing your hyms....quietly...im hung over. Look, I know two hookers an 8-ball and a video cam is not exactly gonna earn me a pearly gate pass, but dont rub it my face, ok? dont save me please, i cant afford the sunday clothes.
Yea, notice that? All these people go to church in thier finest, buying new outfits every season so they can look good for the joneses....i mean jesus. damn, sorry, i slipped there. Correct me if im wrong, but, um....didnt jesus wear sac cloth? Im not to shure what the hell that is, but it dont sound comfortable. I mean he walked around with dreads and dirty feet slept in the the same outfit all the time. Im not to shure, but i would think that if looking like the guy who sleeps in the dumpster and smells like cheap booze and dysentry is good enought for the lord and savior, its good enough for you.
And ok, this one only applys to the protestants. Why do you drink grape juice at communion? Jesus drank wine. Remember that water to wine miracle? Yea it said wine, not water to welches. I was raised catholic and had to go to a baptist church, ewwwww, for what i dont know....i think it was a pennnance i had to do for confession...But, its communion and i see the little shot glass, and being the little irish boy i am, i think "Bitchin!" So i go to take a swig, and its fuckin grape juice. Apparently the blood of christ wasnt fermented right.
Oh yea, Baptists man, those southern ones, say its a sin to dance. Um, can I ask a question? (authortarian voice)"YES?". "Doesnt the bible say to dance with joy unto the lord?" "QUIET YOU."
Heh, they say that god is love right? Its all in the bible all over the place. I mean thats John 3:16 right? For God so loved the world and stuff like that? Well why are you guys so hatefull? why tell these guys thier going to hell? whats with the God hates fags stuff? "Jesus loves the little children, all the little children of the world. Red and yellow and black and white, they are precious in his sight...EXECEPT THAT FAGGOT JOEY OVER THERE!!!"
Did you guys know that the Vatican Bank is the largest bank in the world? Whats god need with all that money? Hes god right? what the hell does he need to buy? did he need a morgage on the 4th day? creation run over-budget? Dont tell me its cause you need to spread the word. Hey assholes, Mother Theresa lived in a one room shack and owned two outfits and ministered in fuckin Calcutta, and got the word out fine. "But we need the money for a new sanctuary" hey jesus' best shit was done on the side of a hill, too good to go sit in the grass under a tree in the warmth of the sun? oh wait, i forget...that 400 dollar suit. But, dont tell me you need it for a mission trip...to jamaica. yeah lets go minister in a tropical paradise. why not get some huevos and go minister to some hutus or zulus or somethin, if im gonna pay for a mission trip, i wanna see some casualties, i wanna see you fucks put your life on the line....see how dedicated you are to spreading the good news....
And this Christian nation stuff huh? ok which ones? Lutheran, catholic, methodist, episcopalian? i mean we got a lot of different shit to go off of. do we drink the wine or grape juice? do we do it every sunday? is kneeling optional? do i have to be a prick or really laid back? allow gays in or do they go to hell? I mean supposedly Mormons are christians....do we get multiple wives now? Look folks, if this was a christian nation they would have said so in the constitution ok? im pretty shure that would have been a major pointer i would think....did they have highlighters back then? that would have helped make that stand out. "But it says in God we trust on the dollar bill" yea well theres also a gigantic pyramid with an eyeball. And it says God....not yahweh. the christian gods name is yahweh or jehova, not God. is your wife, "wife" is your name "name" ok? see where im going with this? yea my dollar bill says the same thing, my god is a dead comedian who did a lot of mushrooms, so I guess in Bill Hicks we trust then. and one last thing about this christian nation stuff. the last time we had a country that claimed christianity as a doctrine to live by burned people at the stake and had no running water. shure well make this a christian nation just as long as the rest of us get to bring the black death along to go with it. cant have a christian nation without a little surfdom.
And why try to make it a christian nation? I thought the big thing was for jesus to come back right? i mean if we make Amazing Grace the national anthem it isnt going to bring him back. If i remember all my really kick-ass apocalypse movies, the world is supposed to become a total shithole for him to come back. wouldnt that be keeping you out of heaven? I would think that if you were all about jesus comming back you would want the world to go to shit. you guys are supposed to be persecuted and stuff like that. why try to make it a christian nation? i mean you want him back, let it go to hell. "Hey do more drugs! Worship Satan! Drink more. here have some money, go buy some Ghb and commit date rape. look i got some nails crucify me...PERSICUTE ME DAMNIT...I WANNA GO PLAY A HARP!!!"
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(8hecklers | you fuckin heckler)
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[22 Oct 2003|10:15am] |
I was sitting here thinking, well not here exactly, but you know what I mean. I remembered this one time that I was sitting there at my friends house wearing my bad religion t-shirt when his dad had some friends over. Well, these people, well, not really people, they more closely resembled robots, were these die hard Christians. Man, that was a tense few hours. I think I would have felt more comfortable wearing nothing but leather chaps and a vest into a biker bar.
But I had to sit there and come up with an elaborate story about what the shirt meant. Aparently I turned an anarchist anti-globalisation, anti-christian majority punk band that advocates killing everyone on Madison avenue into a christian band that advocates true faith and belief.
Wow, I should be working for OJ Simpson, I would have convinced the world the one armed man did it.
But, god I thought about how robot like these people were. I swear, everything was, (monotone, spacey voice) “Wow, isint that nice.” “Praise Jesus” and “That’s so sad.”
I swear I could have told them that my ancestor was Pontius Pilate, and that his cousin was the one who hammered the damn nails and they wouldn’t have flinched. For a minute there I thought I was in the Bedford Wives.
I realized how many of these people there were in this world. Just wandering aimlessly down the street with their brains sucked out like zombies. That’s what they were, Christian Zombies.
“Get the hammer and nails, we gotta keep them out, they’ll Beattitude us to death!”
(act like your boarding up a door)
“Poor girl, one of them got her brother, now hes waving a John 3:16 poster.”
“If we hide in the basement they’ll never get us.” “NO, they’ll just wait until the third day!”
“You gotta shoot them in the wrists, pin them to the wall then ram a spear in the side. That’s the only way to kill ‘em”
(monotone spacey voice again) “Let me show you some of our literatuuuuuuuuure” (hands out in front like a Romero zombie)
“Oh my god, they’ve surrounded the Ozzy concert well never get out alive
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(4hecklers | you fuckin heckler)
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[19 Oct 2003|04:54am] |
The Principles of Comedy Bill Hicks used
1.)
If you can be yourself on stage nobody else can be you and you have
the law of supply and demand covered
2.)
The act is something you fall back on if you can`t think of anything
else to say
3.)
Only do what you think is funny, never just what you think they
[ the audience ] will like, even though it`s not that funny to you.
4.)
Never ask them is this funny -- you tell them this is funny.
5.)
You are not married to any of this shit - if something happens, taking
you off on a tangent, NEVER go back and finish a bit, just move on.
6.)
NEVER ask the audience " How You Doing ? " People who do that can`t
think of an opening line. They came to see you tell them how they`re
doing. Asking that stupid question up front just digs a hole. This
is THE most common mistake made by performers. I want to leave as
soon as they say that.
7.)
Write what entertains you. If you can`t be funny be interesting. You
haven`t lost the crowd. Have something to say and then do it in a
funny way.
8.)
I close my eyes and walk out there and that`s where I start. Honest.
9.)
Listen to what you are saying. Ask yourself:
" Why am I saying it ? " . . . and
" Is it Necessary ? "
(This will filter all your material and cut the unnecessary
words - economy of words )
10.) Play to the top of the intelligence of the room. There aren`t
any bad crowds, just wrong choices.
11.)
Remember this is the hardest thing there is to do. If you can do
this, you can do anything.
12)
I love my cracker roots. Get to know your family, be friends with
them.
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(4hecklers | you fuckin heckler)
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| Fuck the GOP, commin straight out tha underground. |
[16 Oct 2003|10:14am] |
im a soldier up at fort hood, and yes i did fight in the war in vietnam...wait, i mean Iraq...sorry, its easy to get those two confused.
Yes, it is easy to confuse the two. Both of them had no real justification, reason for fighting, no real aim, and no hope of ending in sight. and best of all, both were started by lieing, warmongering Texas oilmen. I guess sometimes you just dont learn a lesson.
Bush was so ready to fight this war, i bet he bought that pilots outfit the same day he bought the election.
I fuckin hate that armongering little cracker. This asshole said right when those terrorist attacks and ambushes started after the "war" was "over" "Bring it on". "BRING IT ON!?!?!?!" On behalf of all soldiers out there mien fuhuer, I mean Mr. President.....its so easy to confuse those two these days....but I would like to say on behalf of all soldiers out there. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Dude, youre like that little scrawny friend that picks the fight in the bar with the twelve bikers, two of whom got out of a murder charge on a technicality. "Shit dude...I aint goin to the bar with you no more" (hold nose like it just got punched).
I betcha he did that all the time at Yale, getting into all those fights with the harvard secret society boys and gettin his ass whipped, now hes makin up for it with his haliburton security guards...I mean, U.S. soldiers.....its so easy to get those two confused these days.
The commander in chief these days is such a fuckin looser. All this warmongering comming from a guy who went awol from the national guard. the texas national guard...the texas AIR NATIONAL GUARD!!!! Thats like not bein able to hack bible camp. This guy couldnt handle one weekend a month of playin Goose and Maverick, now he wants to go start a war with any brown person who crosses his step. Ok, all of em except the ones who invest in his oil companies. But, if he cant hack the national guard what the hell makes him think that he can handle the most powerfull army in the world? Id rather have Dale Gribble from King of the Hill in charge, at least he looks more the part. the boss i got now looks like the stoner who cant remember where he put the pipe. (big confused Bush-like confused look on the face).
And the thing that pisses me off the most about this war is the bullshit reasons for it. I mean i was over there, i saw starving kids two blocks from a golden toilet. I saw people with lopped off noses and shit. Did we cite those reasons to go to war? No. Weapons of Mass distruction, terrorists, those were the reasons.
Nope, aint found a one yet have we? Kinda looking like Geraldo Rivera lookin for Al Capones vault. "Shit, it was RIGHT HERE! I swear man!" Ok, 8 months almost of war and what have we found? A petri dish with some botulisim in it. What were the Iraqis gonna do? Make us shit to death. I still have a case of the shits I caught in Iraq, does that mean im a casualty of biowarefare? Do I get a purple heart?
They were saying all this shit about how we have the proof. "Oh yea, we gots photos, and know exactly where that shit is." Well then, where is it? Wheres the proof? Let me guess...its hidden right? Well if its hidden, then whered the proof come from? Same place they got the alien autopsy movie from I bet. Now the CIA who they got all this proof from is saying they didnt have it, that bush is making it up now. Great, they get busted for lieing to us about the war now thier acting like two kids caught busting the lamp. "Uh, uh!! Georgie did it.!!" "No way, I saw you do it Billy" Pointing fingers at it, getting all puffy chested, and sticking thier lips out and shit. Just the kinda behavior youd expect from a guy who just a couple a years ago was gettin thrown out of resteraunts for cussin out reporters while drunk off his ass. Yeah, Clinton might of tryed to fuck anything with a skirt but he wasnt a shitty drunk. If youre gonna be the leader of the free world you better be able to handle your liquor. Maybe thats why his daddy puked all over the Japanese prime minister, he was wasted on saki.
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(2hecklers | you fuckin heckler)
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| Halloweenies. |
[11 Oct 2003|01:15pm] |
Oh yea man, its halloween time again. so you know what that mean right folks? little kids dressed as ballerinas and pirates, knockin on my door for candy, highschool kids burnin shit on the porch. and every fuckin goth kid trying to summon cthulu.
but theres this other group of fuckers that ruins a pefectly good decadent holliday, and thats those baptist fuckers man. yeah out to fuckin ruin another one of my little days of joy.
I came across this one website. http://objective.jesussave.us/halloween.html that just has nailed how evil halloween is. and this shit is what these people really fuckin think. its so damn lucris that i cant make this shit up. lets all have a reading from the book of morons shall we?
It is important that we acknowledge that there are certainly lots of anti-Christian activities that go on during Halloween, including obvious and blatant things such as the reveling in demonology but also subtly subversive things such as "bobbing for apples", which is really a symbolic re-enactment of the Fall.
well shit. thats a new one on me folks.
These things are dangerous and need to be opposed by all good Christians. However, some of the traditional trappings of Halloween are not really occult. Bats, black cats, and spiders are all God's creatures too and skeletons are God's way of supporting your body; do not let ancient superstitions - whose origins are actually Pagan - keep you in fear of His creations.
Then someone explain to me what the fuck a bunny and chicks have to do with easter fuck-o. better yet, while were talkin pagan shit. I dont remember Jesus lighting candles. Why the hell do ya wear robes to preach to me? And take this wine, shed as my blood....WHAT THE FUCK??? Woa, did Jesus do time with a peruvian soccer team? Look, you realise your just one step behind Anton LeVay here. Easy on the high and mighty shit here guys. youre just as nutty as we are.
Now these fuckers try to teach how to minister on halloween.
This Halloween, what you as a Christian need to do is HalloWitness
This is comedy gold people. You cant make this shit up.
Hand out Bible tracts not candy -
Everyone loves candy, but it doesn't really provide nourishment - for the body or the soul. Instead of handing out candy to the trick-or-treaters, why not give them something a little meatier? Why not give them Bible tracts!
Fuck you dude. Just give me that handfull of pennies. Tell ya what, im gonna see if these tracts work better than toilet paper on your lawn.
Educate through costumes -
The unsaved youths today with their Power Rangers and Peekachoos and other secular heros they see on TV are very enamored with "make believe" and "role playing". Satan uses these seemingly innocent secular costumes (often cheaply purchased in local retail stores) as gate-way costumes for the more blatantly occult garb: witches, monsters, demons, Darth Mauls, and the like.
Ok, darth maul kicked ass, jar jar was satanic.
you can use that instead of dressing up in occult costumes, we should dress up as historical persons from the Bible. When the children ask you who you are supposed to be, an opening to teach them about the Lord. by creating costumed plays dramatizing the historical events in the Bible that you can perform for the unsaved children at your door, or perhaps just simple monologues given in-character as Moses or John the Baptist.
Wait, didnt they lop john the baptists head off. hey, why not recreate that whole soddom and gehmorrah thingy. Better yet, whip mock and nail daddy to the tree reinacting jesus. Yeah, lets show them the love in the bible.
However, while dressing up as Biblical individuals is a good way to teach about the true history of the Bible, common sense and moderation should be heeded. For instance, it would be inappropriate to appear at your door as pre-Fall Adam or Eve or as a Sodomite
Oh, ok. That whole edited for content shit. True history of the bible, huh?
Another option is to appropriate traditional costumes. For instance, a white sheet with eye-holes worn over one's head isn't an occult spirit, it's the Holy Ghost
wow. that one deserves no comment.
If we as Christians stand together we can win this war against the dark forces of Halloween and reclaim the night in the name of Jesus.
Im waiting for some Van Helsing looking dude, scruffy and specticled to come charging down my street leading a round of Onward Christian Soldiers with a mob carring pitchforks and torches, driving an army of kids dressed as Frankenstien down the street in a panic. That would be a hoot. A lynch mob of psychotic religious nutjobs, rioting in the streets stringin up little Billy by his feet cause hes dressed as an ungoddly pirate, thats the way to win over the unsaved uh?
Consider not doing any overt HalloWitnessing such as costume dramas or putting out a Jesus-o-lantern,
crucify a pumpkin? what the fuck is a jesus-o-lantern?
but instead focus on targeted distributing of Bible tracts to children. Also consider putting up more secular Halloween decorations - such as cardboard articulated skeletons - so as to make your house seem non-threatening to those brain-washed by the occult
as oposed to those brain-washed by their own non-smelly shit.
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(2hecklers | you fuckin heckler)
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[10 Oct 2003|11:01pm] |
I just got rid of my playboy collection. Yeah, threw them all out. Got rid of the whole thing. whoa, well not all of it....what are ya kiddin me? Kept all the hustlers and high societies of course! I havent been laid in a year, i need some kinda outlet! Yea I decided to get more bang for my porno buck. That and I can identify better with the articles.
Yea! Theres apparently articles and news features in these things. I know, threw me off as well. I was reading the playboy, staring at some tities, turned the page and BOOM theres all these words there. I tried to follow them, but it was a little hard. Apparently the new BMW is just ideal for a mid twenties guy like me making 65k a year at my new job. Well, that made me pause for a second and think. Oh yeah, I make 15k a year. You guys do any articles on KIAs?
I kept on reading and apparently I really should shell out that extra 35 bucks for the premium vodka to make my martinis the best they could be. I paused again, Wait….I have to save up to buy schlitz. Okay, lets move on. Oh looky a brilliantly humourous articles about living in the East Village and my kooky gay hairdresser neighbor. Well, lets see, I live in a central texas town and the gay hairdresser that lived next door to me got dragged behind a pickup for three miles. Hmmm, unless they talk about his silly lisping screams….Im having a little trouble identifying here. So, I turned the page again and there was this thing they call the playmate of the month.
Fine, I mean she was a Venus in carnate, great hair, nice face, nice titties, great legs, and then I read her little profile. She likes men that take he out on their boat, drive a nice car, and treat them to a nice seafood dinner. Her big turnoffs were slackers and men who don’t buy her nice things.
Well shit. This is the magazine for me.
Lets remind me that im poor uneducated making below the poverty line and then parade women that look at me the same way that they look at the guy who changes her oil at Midas. Yea, lets get on that pulse of America! Lets give 90% of our readers an inferiority complex.
Now…..lets look at the hustler. Ok heres a chick, shes got an okay body, shes got that hung over, half stoned look on her face, and a big cock up her butt. HEY! My kinda girl! Tatoos, pierced nerps and hooker boots on! Man, show me more! Looky heres an article on drug smuggling. Hey heres a dirty limeric that I can put on the bathroom wall! A cartoon with jesus, santa, and a porn star into double penetration! Wow! Lets keep reading! Wait…..no words! JUST TITTIES AND CUM SHOTS!
Now that’s a porn mag!
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(2hecklers | you fuckin heckler)
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| Music makes the world go round. |
[08 Oct 2003|11:12pm] |
Wow, Eminem. Thank god he came along.
Hes sort of our musical messiah I think. “Our Marshall Who art in In Hollywood, hallowed be they rhymes. Thy grammys come, they beats be spun, in Brooklyn as they are in the Burbs. And lead us not into Pop music but deliver us from Boy Bands. For devine is the rythim, the rap, and the music, for ever and ever, Word.”
If he wouldn’t have come along I think wed be in the middle of an MTV apocalypse. I swear man If N’Sync, The Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, and J.lo arent the four horsemen, I don’t know who are.
I swear man Jon Bon Jovi’s next album is gonna be called “666”.
I don’t think you people are with me on this one. But shut up and get on the bus. Im gonna lead you to musical Nirvana, and Im your Bhuddah.
I swear man, Music just seemed to be going to hell until he came along. And all you people were just following along with the herd man.
Oh whatever, you know you bought a Hootie album in high school. You know you did.
Half of you still remember the lyrics to Spin Doctors “Little Miss, Little Miss cant be wrong…” yea, I saw a few bobbin heads. Still own one of them sweaters don’t you.
They were just the precurser to this hell, sort of like the sirens before the tornado you know. Man, the spiral that happened after Kurt ate the damn shotgun. His wife still dripping in his blood ran out with her crap songs and tried to make you dig her leech music. Then it all started dripping down.
Limp Bizkit? What the hell man? A shitty tattoo artist now is the voice of our youth? I did it all for the nookie, right, not with the cocktail weenie you got Fred. I mean, Korn knew you were dead weight and dropped you like warm dog shit. Korn at least is trying to get its soul back after you leached it away. Common John Davis, come back to the light. Its safe here to rock again.
And what passes as hard music these days aint shit. Half of you guys are almost 30 or older. Guess what, loose the aingst and get a real job. Take a look at Green Day, at least they realized they were old and mellowed out. You can take 10 different bands and get the same thing. Whiney bullshit is so damn common, shiney happy music is cool again. I think the B-52's are gearing up for a comeback.
Madonna still wont die. I swear man shes tied into her damn clothes to keep her sag up and she still wont quit. She covered “American Pie” AMERICAN PIE!!!! Man, that’s like wiping your ass with the shroud of Turin after shitting in the fountain at Lourds. Not only did she cover it, she made it a fuckin gay club dance song. I swear man, next thing you know she’ll bew making a club version of Ring of Fire
Ill be ridin in my car and hear that cassic trumpet line, then...."boom tic boom tic boom tic" I dont care if Im rushin my girlfriend to the hospital who about to give birth to my illegitimate son, Im headin west to LA. Im gonna stop in Arizona to get a baseball bat. Is nothing sacred to this woman? Why do I still know whats up with this no talent burlesque wanna-be. Shit, If I wanna listen to a woman with attitude Ill listen to pink, at least she plays with knives and named her dog “fucker”.
And don’t think your exempt if you listen to country music. You know Shania Twain aint nothing but a gigantic whore sucking at the cock of the Pop industry. “Slurp Slurp, put on a slinky dress to violins? Shure, Slurp, Slurp.” I swear man you guys remember who the fuck Johnny Cash is right? George Strait? I swear man, what the hell happened to country livin’, trucks, and fishin. Fuck man, your makin music for JR Ewing right now. Pretending your belt buckle makes you country. Shut up and go to line dance you tools.
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(9hecklers | you fuckin heckler)
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[07 Oct 2003|10:53pm] |
Well yea, Im a soldier up there at fort hood. I joined for the reasons you think i did, i wanted to serve my country, defend freedom and democracy, spread liberty around the world......BWAHAHAHA. I was thrown out of college.
Yea, thrown out of college, i mean with 164 semester hours, no major and a 1.8 gpa i mean, who could have seen it commin?
yeah im not gonna say that i was a drunk in college, but i have been thrown out of a frat party for bein to drunk. Is that possible? (slurred voice)"Yuuuh gota go maaan, youuur bummmin the parrty out dude." Oh I see, you actually have to pay dues to commit drunken date rape in the frat house, ok.... now that its explained to me, makes perfect sense.
Yeah, so the college kinda asked me to leave, and i mean, with such prestigous alma matter as jimmy buffett and brett farve, i mean you think i could have lived up to thier standards. a guy that wrote "why dont we get drunk and screw" and a guy hooked on pain pills from when he wrecked his car tanked on a 5th of tanquray. now those are some guys to invite back for commencement speeches......
yea so i joined the army, that was a step up. you may not know this but theres a saying in the army, "if youre not a drunk when you join, you will be when we throw you out." heh, yeah, and now i live in the barracks. now the barracks arent the ones you see in war movies, theyre more like well....hmmm, how to put this.....FRESHMAN DORMS. yeah freshmen dorms with essentially every asshole from gym class in high school.
and the thing that really sucks is is that im 26, i know how to handle my limits pretty well. a 12 pack for a good buzz, a pint of irish wiskey for a drunk, and rum if i wanta play broadsides and buicks. "ARRR, avast me hearties, i spot a lincoln on the horrizon, set the sail to fourth gear. prepare to board!!!" not a good thing when you fly a jolly rodger from your car and try to hijack escalade, ive come to understand women dont like to be called saucy wenches.
you see, i think im a pirate on rum.
anyway
yea, im 26 and like everyone around me is 19 and gets paid like 500 bucks every two weeks. I mean, guess who gets a knock on his door every friday "hey, man can you do me a favor?" yeah, 19 year old war vets arent good drinkers, aparent some can think that they can practice repellin off the third floor using bedsheets and extention cords......mmmm, no. and when ya impale yourself on the fence below, the last thing you wanna see is the drunk medic with no shirt in december with a 5150 tattoo come staggerin out of his room with a bottle of beam and a belt screaming "WOOOOOOOO TURNIQUITE TIMEEEEEEE!!!!"
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kerry_ridgley's journal